I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
