Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
