this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
