I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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