p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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