Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
