I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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