she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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