he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
