I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
