I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
