She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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