i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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