Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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