The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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