I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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