Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Randomize
