i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
