Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
