thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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