Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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