this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
