this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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