Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
