do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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