Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
