If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I smell stomach acid.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
