So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
