I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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