My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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