You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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