cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
how do flat chested girls get laid?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
