My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
my being single is dangerous.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
