im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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