Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
