I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I want to fling myself into the sun
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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