I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
