every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
