Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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