Is it because I queefed?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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