I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
