I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
