Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
