I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Fuck me I smell like cheese
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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