she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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