I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
