Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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