that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I did not marry a roomba.
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