I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
