Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
